I have been having some interesting conversations lately with various individuals about weight. One friend was surprised to learn that not everyone can use a scale as a tool to keep them on track. For some of us, it is a club with which we beat ourselves to a pulp.
I have been trying to lose weight for almost all of my life. When I was in junior high, my father offered me $100 if lost x amount of weight. I did, got the money, gained it back. Since then, I have tried every diet, including severe calorie restriction. I always gain it back, plus some. The only time I really lost weight was when I was on the pre-surgery prep for the Lap Band (which is another horror story and, thankfully, was removed almost 3 years ago). I can’t tell you how many hundreds of pounds I have lost and gained over the years. My poor body.
I became so obsessed with the number on the scale that I would get up and weigh myself in the middle of the night, to see when when I am “lightest” (it’s 2 am, by the way). A few years ago, I had my husband hide it and I only weighed myself at authorized times. Finally, even that was too much, so I threw it away. Freedom!
I was doing great! I only weighted myself at the doctor’s office and infrequently at the gym (only before swimming and only if others weren’t in the locker room). But, lately, I’ve been obsessing again. “Am I losing weight? Am I any lighter? Will I reach my goal weight before the marathon?” It got to the point that I was thinking of driving to the gym, just to weigh myself. So, I decided to buy a new scale. Surely, I can handle it now.
I should have realized that this was not a good idea when I almost had a panic attack in Target while trying to pick one out. I literally circled the aisle three times and then carefully chose a cashier who I didn’t think would “judge me” (WT everloving F?) I finally got it home. My husband tried it out and noted that it is about a pound heavier than the one at the gym. So I tried it. Wearing shoes, jeans, and a hoodie. And promptly called myself a “lard ass”. What is wrong with me?!
My clothes fit well, and some are too loose again. I’m clearly losing inches.
I’m strong. I am completing my workouts in good shape. Why does that number hold such sway over me? I honestly don’t know.
So, what to do with the scale? I don’t know that, either. I think it needs to go back into hiding or into the dump. I can’t allow that number to keep such a strangle hold on me.