**I found this post languishing in my drafts so I thought I’d go ahead and hit publish**
I was recently paid two very unexpected compliments. One person described me as “bubbly” and another said that I am always so calm and always have everything together. I felt like saying “are you kidding me? Do you know the freak show I always have going on in my head?” It’s a wonder that I’m able to fully operate most days.
In addition to my mental neurosis is the fact that I am a “crier”. I can, and do, cry at the drop of a hat. My emotions have always lived very close to the surface and they often get the better of me, much to my chagrin. My brothers used to say that it was never difficult to tell how I’m feeling and I suck at poker. The quick temper isn’t as egregious, at least I don’t think, as the crying. I hate being perceived as a weepy woman who can’t keep her act together (please note, this is MY perception of ME. I am not casting judgment on any of my friends or readers who are more sensitive).
So, what’s the deal? If I am the walking disaster that I proclaim, why don’t (more) others see it more often? I credit running. I remember a Gidget episode where she has her heart broken over something and goes surfing, saying that nobody notices a few tears with all of the saltwater. I often think of that when I’m running. It’s like my body is expelling the tears through sweat and it helps me keep things under wraps in my “normal” life. If I miss more than two days of hard exercise, I can feel the crazy steam building and the tears getting ready. I have been known to cry while running –
usually occasionally not when others are around* – and sometimes certain songs will trigger a really ugly episode on the trail.
It’s very hard to cry and run, let me tell you! I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can have a quick cry, pull myself together, and actually pick up the pace for a really good finish. I don’t know if it’s endorphins or just allowing my body to physically work though my mental shit storms but I think I’m a better person, more calm and even-keeled, when I just … cry.
*my one running friend is probably thinking “What the hell? I see her cry All. The. Time!” Yeah, sorry about that… 🙂