Burn to ashes and salt the earth

I can take a lot.  I can keep my head down and plod on.  I can keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I finally get to my goal.  Unless I can’t and I don’t and I’m broken.  That’s how I feel right now.  I feel broken.  I feel like I will never make any progress again.  I feel like I hate everything.  I feel like taking all of my gear to the yard, burning it down to ashes, and salting the ground so nothing ever grows there – as a lasting testament to my shortcomings. Holy drama mama!

I know I am just in a bad spot right now and things will improve and I will finally have a good swim in a race and I’ll finally understand transitions in roller derby and I’ll find joy in my training again.  But right now?  Not so much.  I spent most of Sunday crying over one thing or another – even simple skating at the rink left me in tears – and all of yesterday biting everyone’s heads off.  I’m trying to ease back and give myself some space but just bout every other minute I think about pulling out of another event (hey, did I tell you that I have a Spartan Sprint in just a few weeks??).  I know I will regret any decision that I make right now so I’m trying to hang on and ride this out but it is so, so difficult.


I'm trying
I’m trying

3 thoughts on “Burn to ashes and salt the earth

  1. 16 days ago you slogged through mud and hills and trail to run for 28 hours. You have so many things to be proud of. If something’s not working for you right now, it doesn’t mean you are a failure. Take a break, walk away, do something else if you need to. Take the pressure off. Do it because it is fun. Allow yourself some time to remember why you WANT to do it. And the failures are never failures – you still got out and did something that many people will never try. Just figure out what worked and what didn’t and learn from it 🙂 And please don’t burn your stuff… just break up with it for a while. I’ve had to break up with my bike before… and then I miss it… and inevitably pull it back out again.

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