I can take a lot. I can keep my head down and plod on. I can keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I finally get to my goal. Unless I can’t and I don’t and I’m broken. That’s how I feel right now. I feel broken. I feel like I will never make any progress again. I feel like I hate everything. I feel like taking all of my gear to the yard, burning it down to ashes, and salting the ground so nothing ever grows there – as a lasting testament to my shortcomings. Holy drama mama!
I know I am just in a bad spot right now and things will improve and I will finally have a good swim in a race and I’ll finally understand transitions in roller derby and I’ll find joy in my training again. But right now? Not so much. I spent most of Sunday crying over one thing or another – even simple skating at the rink left me in tears – and all of yesterday biting everyone’s heads off. I’m trying to ease back and give myself some space but just bout every other minute I think about pulling out of another event (hey, did I tell you that I have a Spartan Sprint in just a few weeks??). I know I will regret any decision that I make right now so I’m trying to hang on and ride this out but it is so, so difficult.