Except when there is…
This has been a rough week for me. I missed both of my midweek runs because I was so stinking tired, I could barely move. I was also letting my worry about Saturday’s 16 miles drain too much of my mental energy. Thankfully, Saturday’s run passed without incident and Sunday had me scheduled to do some work at the obstacle course. Since I was short on miles for the week, and I want to work on my endurance for the obstacle races, I decided to add in 3 miles before the course. A friend offered to join me and we clocked a relatively speedy three miles (serious, 10:02, 10:04, 10:20). Then we hit the course.
Two new people were joining us and I selfishly thought to myself that it will be nice to not be the one struggling the most for a change. Yeah, they both nailed every single obstacle. Don’t get me wrong, I was very happy to see how well they were doing and that they were having fun. They’re great people and I really look forward to working with them again. But, I wasn’t happy that I seemed to be stuck at the same level as last time. I was still flailing about and repeatedly throwing myself at the freaking high horse, to no avail. When I slipped on my 6th pass at the wall (which I can normally do) and jarred myself quite nicely, the next thing I knew I was blubbering like a fool. Of course, my friend was worried I had hurt myself but I couldn’t even trust myself to talk because I knew the dam would just break.
I was so incredibly frustrated! I was feeling like I wasn’t making any progress and that I was constantly holding everyone up. I know I should only compare myself to me but it’s hard when you hang out with amazingly athletic people. I hate being last. I hate needing the help. I hate feeling that I would be better if my stomach wasn’t in the way or if I was lighter or stronger or if I just tried harder. I hate that my body can’t keep up with what I want to do. I know I have made a lot of progress in the past year – heck, last year I was sweating running 6 miles and couldn’t do even one real pushup or a plank – but I still see such a long journey ahead of me.
I know I will get there. I won’t stop and I won’t give up. But I might cry a bit.